The Influence of Haruhi Suzumiya
by The Hidden Lostar
Summary: What happens when Haruhi Suzumiya finds hilarity from a terrible fan fiction? Madness? Sparta? Both? Try to find out only if you dare! Warning: Story may be too GAR for the average reader.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own any characters from the Haruhi Suzumiya series by any means. I am merely a fan.**

**Author's Note: Hi everyone! This is the Hidden Lostar reporting in to taking yet another departure for my Gamma Dimension series! I usually put my authors notes at the bottom, but for this special little mini-project, I felt like putting it at the top. I just want to take the time to explain a few things. This story pretty much takes place on the first year of the SOS Brigade when Kyon's a freshman and Mikuru's a junior. I'm just going to say it took place sometime in the autumn. If you can stomach getting to the end of this little departure, there's a surprise waiting for you in the end! Good luck and let the force be with you~**

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I can give you advise if you want to sace moniey. If you hace a little sister, don't vother vuying an alarm clock. Sivlings are much more efishent. It is another school day.

"Hey big brothrt, wske up" she saif. I woke up and she had a water gun pointed at me.

"Whu daures awaken the great Kyon? Why you have that gun pointed at me?/" I said. I look on my floort, there was a frying pan, a splatula, a megafhone, a smely sock, a habanero pepprt, a tazer, a fether, and a frozin fish.

"I tryed to wake you up for years and you didn't!" she say. "Mpmmy culd have choke on a pretzel and dye or somethng!"

I choose not to questuib where she gets her imajination and change clothes and get ready 4 school.

"Ah no Kyon! I'm still in here!"

What! I skip a step in my naration and forget 2 kick my sister out doh! Its too late so I slap myselh for beig dumb and leace the house.

I go up teh stupid hill and I see a man in a pik swetsuit chasing a blsck man on a bike down the hill. If anything I'd ask them they come from where but I said nah forget it yo homes to North Hi! Wate thats not a rhyme at aull!

It is rare daay becoz I came to class b4 Haruhi did. I twelve minutes early so Taniguchi come up to bug me about sojmething peeverted most likely.

"Freshman girls, mah boi is what all true boy stoodents strive fort!" he said.

C, I called it! He si predictabull its boring and he so boring I fall asleeo in class.

I wake up to really sharo pain in my back so I yel. I look behid me and see Haruhi lookinf scared.

"Ah K-on! I'm sorry!" scream Haruhi.

"Sorry? Wen do u apologize for opking my back?"

"You don't feel it? I pok you to hard and my pensil stuck all the way in your back"

"For reel?" I say and luked behind me. She rihgt. Ow!

"Dat Haruhi is a spy!" said Kunikida as I psas out from blud loss.

"I wake up in Nutses office in school. Nurses Offis? I just got backstab I should be in hospitsl! How csaan they fix me here? I look on mi back and there is a band-ad, gee thankx! I look at myt replace shirt and it say "I jusy got backstabbed and all I got is a band-aid and this lousy t-shirt!" Who has tiem to make this!

When I ask that the bell ring. Nobody in office so I look at time and try to fo to next clas but I look at time andf last class is over! I was knock out for entire skool day??

That means I miss lunch and I'm hungre. That also mean in stead of next class I go to Literary Club Room where my bestest freinds in SOS Brigade are! Maybe Mikurue tea will cure thids wound that reach my kidknee.

I go in clubrum and I see Mikuru and Itsuki. I sit on front of Itsuki who has a game of Guess Who sitting out. Guess Who is elementree game. Why play thsi?

"I figured it would make a nice chainge of psace."

O whatever. I question it no furder or he hgo inti another boring speech. All I did wus sleep today and I don't want too again.

"Oh come onn. They can't alll be boring," he said.

Ah! Sometimes I foget people can here me even when I don't use quotatuion narks. Sometimes I confuse myself in what I say n what I think.

"It happens to the best of ys.. I think," said the esper who hear me again!

I butter stop thinking bfor he find out I suspeckt that he gay and feer him a little.

"... Okease excuse me," Itsuki say. "I want ti go outside fur a lil."

Grate! Nao I piss him off. Oh well its just Itsuki he get over it rite?

"Hear is your T Kyonne, nice and worm," said only person left in room Mikuru. Yummy delicioud tea frum Asahina! One sip on this and my crapy day turn good again woot!

"I'm glad you liek it so much!"

Of coarse I like it! The only thing that could tayste better is the milk from Mikuru's largw chest but we can't get evereething we want. What?? I don'y think like that ususlly! Id Mikuru heard that, she'd probanly freak outr. I look at her and sge did!

"I-I taught you wore better then that K-on!" she say after she dropd her trey.

OMG I am! How this happin? Shr run to door stiull in maid suit. Wait not in suit!Q Other people that nout me wil see. Maid Mikury for my eues only rawr!

"I don't wanna speak to yew agaen Kyon!" she said and she slam door.

I facepaulm. How could this happen to mee! I made my misteaks... NO! This not time to fill sorry! I must go out there and apoligize to everyone!

I run at club dour and thrust it open. I look down halll and no see Mikuru. I look behinf me ans there is Nagato looking at me with wide eyes.

"Nagato! Staty away drom me! I might sat something supid and hurt you too! If I hurt you too I csant ttake it!"

"....."

She go silint on me. Wait duh! I can assk if like theres a reason I've become so iidiautic!

"Haruhi Suzumiya has subconsciously caused a major structural flaw in the overall linguistic comprehension potential of this current literary adaption," said Nagato with a plain voice.

Wait ah sec, let me scrowll up... OMG! The sentense Yugi just said is the only 1 in this whole thing that is slaweless! Yuki means dis is Haruhi's fault and not some phail author?? Ah I broke wall #4 seceral times but I don't care!

I give YHuki vig hug bevause again she lite in d darkness and she cann make things right agen! I hold Yuki tite and cry, yes I cry cause my day was dizazter! She rub my bak litely with one hand just den surprizing me that she move a mussle for my sake.

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**Wow you lived! For this, I award you with cookies! Stash them with the rest of your cookies enabled on your web browser, will you? **

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Anyways I'll be updating this like chain lightning so this mess should be over soon~**


	2. Chapter 2

**By now I'm pretty sure that at least seventy-five percent of the people that were curious enough to give this story a shot gave up somewhere towards the start. Whoever is still here you are a brave soul seriously.**

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"Only Humanoid Interfaces created by the Data Integration Thought Entity remain unaffected by the major linguistic spikes that have occurred approximately 23 hours ago."

Heering Yuki talk propur English was music to my ears accept... I can't hear it so liek... forget wut I just said!

"Ok so you say at everywon except four alienz no speak propor Inglish?" I ask.

"Yes."

"Iz thair anything we cann du about it, Nagito?"

Yukii take some tiem off to think of that questian.

"The source of this threat at this time is thoroughly embedded within the inner layers of the Closed Space associated with Haruhi Suzumiya," Yuki continued effortlessly. "Eradicational procedures are impossible at this point in time."

"What you say? Alll her space are belong to it? We havf no chans to survive make our time?"

"..... That is a plausible idea," acknowledged Yuki.

"I mad a plan? I thot all I did wuz quote sumdum game!" I was confewsed.

"You have suggested to make our time. By making our time parallel to the moment of the threat's infestation, we will be given the chance to prevent the total infestation of the Closed Space associated with Haruhi Suzumiya."

"O! I think I get whut you say! But Namoto, Y did dis infestation take plase anywaze?"

"Approximately 23 hours from this time, a Hypertext Transfer Protocol hyperlink has negatively affected Haruhi Suzumiya's sense of proper grammar and average conceptual reality."

I gettig a flashbak Haruhi laff so hard at sumthing on the intirnet she fall out of chair. I look at it and c nothin' funny and she get Narato to look at it and all she say was "incaumpreehensibull." I wonder iff aliens r abel to look pass typos and guess on what someone meens when they make mistake. So datdum story is what mak this world so dupid? If her mynd is that unstaybull then she shood stay away frum anime & mango.

"Ok so its liek this. We hav 2 grab Mikuru and Itsuki and gotta get bak, bak to the past sam oorai jak and take care of the weerd thing in the close space so everything go bak to normal! Can u hep me find everyone?"

She naud her head like I thot she wood. Trustee Nagato! She leaf the club room and eye follow hur. She go nex dor to the compooter club. Shoor enough, Mikuru wuz serving tee to the peepul inside.

"OMG Meekuru! You gotta come wit' us rite away! We haf to go to past and stuff and stop a thing frum happen!" I say then I cover my mouth.

"Keyon u on crak or sumthing?" said Computer prez. "How u gonna tiem travil withowt tiem masheen silly?"

I had ansur to dat but I cant say in frunt of everyone. Mikooru said "hmph" and look away from me. Part of mi soul dye inside waah.

"I dunno wot you deed to Mikuru but she mad at yew and she qwit your Sauce Breegaid to joyn us nao!" said the Prez.

"No!" I said. "I miss yuo and we sood all be freunds!"

Mikuru look at mi liek wutever I was saying iz wurking. The prez seems 2 bye it too.

"Verry well den. If you can past the tess then you can haf Mikuru back. Takayannagi, play the MP3 dat iz on mai media player rite now!"

The persin played a weerd song on the computer. It looks liek MP3s are normal liek real life even with the infexion.

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_Hayatatatacha!_

_Kick! Punch! It's all in the mind_

_If you wanna test me, I'm sure you'll find_

_The things I'll teach ya is sure to beat ya_

_But nevertheless you'll get a lesson from teacher_

_Kick _(Kik wut?)

_Punch _(Punch! Ok??)

_Chop _(Judo chawp!)

_Block _(Blok!)

_Once more now_

_Kick _(OMG what is this? KIK!)

_Punch _(PAWNCH!)

_Chop _(Chopy chopy!)

_Block _(Blocl!)

_Don't get cocky, it's gonna get rocky_ (Sum1 pleease tel me whats goeng om!)

_We gonna move down to the next ya jockey now_

_Duck _(Duck duc guuse!)

_Jump _(Jup - wahoo!)

_Turn _(Profyle timeturn!)

_Pose _(O man.. pose)

_Listen carefully_

_Jump _(Jump - jump arownd!)

_Pose _(Hya! Poes!)

_Duck _(Quak I meen duck!)

_And turn _(Term!)

_Hm, yeah I see you're gettin' better _(Onli pose I no is frum that dum dance we do a lot.)

_Kick to the limit in order to get her _

_now Kick, punch _(Ah 2 thigs dis tiem! KIK PUNCH!)

_Chop, block _(Chop d blok!)

_Chop, kick_ (Chawp kick!)

_Punch, block _(Atk! Defend!)

_It's gonna get harder now_

_Duck and jump _(E-YA!)

_Turn and pose _(I h8 posing!)

_Duck and turn _(Duk & turn!)

_Jump and punch _(Flyeeng fist!)

_Come on now, why don'tcha follow my words _(I duno wut this iz)

_Because we're almost done, I'll make it easy at first _(Call mi crazy but)

_I wanna see if you wanna see what it takes _(This iz kinda fon!)

_To be the man with the master plan _(Brig it DJ! OW!)

_Are you the man now?_

_Kick, punch, block _(O noez 3! Ha-ha-saya!)

_Chop, kick, block _(Cha-cha-sayo!)

_Block, turn, and kick it _(Gard n strike!)

_-------------  
_

Carp I kiked the powuh switch!

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"Keon..." Mikuru wined. Hop eye didnt do all that for nothing. That wuz ay pain!

"I go bak nou Mr. Pres. Thak you 4 takin care of mee!" Mikuru said whil bowing.

After dat poitliss game we outside d club room. We tel Mikuru wuts goig on.

"So u need me 2 go bak 23 howers and you nid Koizoomi to goto close spaac," Mikuru resites. "But wear is Koizumi?"

"Itsuki Koizumi is no longer within this vicinity," ensured Nagato. "The distance between this point and his location is approximately 273 meters and increasing."

Wen I sayd lets go we awl left the skool and got on a tacksi that was just sitting their like k? N' no driver was nawt 1 of the esper ppl I no wish made it weerder.

Yuji gav sum asworded directions 2 the driver n we evenjually found the blak taxi Koizume was in. He rol down his windo wen he see us.

"Go waay!" showded Itsuki. "Huow dar yuo? Iam owt-ragged dat you follo me agin 2 maek fun of mi!"

I reply "Itsuki! I no meen what I say! There is dis ting in da close space that maek every1 say dumb stuf!"

Itsuki clim owt of window and stand on tawp of taxi looking aingry. I opin son-roof and stand on taxi too. We both jup to eech other.

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_Yukue Terashi Tsuzukeru_

Itsuki yel "I had enuff! DIE!"

_Tsuyoku hakanaki mono yo Kono te wo hikimichibiite_

I mak a fist and do wut I wanted 2 du for a long tiem. "FAIL KYON PAAAUUUNCH!!!!!" and I hit heem in the faiz.

_Shinjitsu to yoberu basho ga arunara_

Owr taxi driver shout "Kaptin Fail Kyon!" How he no my nikname!

_Tomadoi Kizutsuitemo Kono chiheisen no mukou_

Itsuki screem in payne and glow white.

_Mada kotae wa mienai_

The grownd belo us explode for no rasin and both taxis sotp.

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Itsuki get up liek he did nawt just git owned and sed. "You say somethig attak close space! I no doopid! If dat happin I would no alreadee!"

Nagato steps out of vehicle and says "A foreign existence inside the Closed Space associated with Haruhi Suzumiya is a true statement. The inhabitant currently making a residence inside is much harder to detect than the common avatars that can be seen on a usual basis."

Hard-hed Itsuki lissens to Nagato explayn the rest and wut we haf to do together. I deside to mak the finul statement.

"We haf to du this as a teem liek the SOS Brigade that we are ok?" and den we all do dat kleeshay thing wear you put yor hands togedder.

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**You're joking... you actually made it here?! Well... I guess I'll just take the time to explain the two major running gags that were used in this chapter. The first gag was "Chop Chop - Master Onion" from ****Parappa the Rapper**** and the Japanese Romanji lyrics depicted in the Itsuki scene was "Searching for the Truth" from the ****F-Zero**** anime adaption -- also known as the epic "Falcon Punch" scene that can be found on YouTube... but if you have enough resilience to get all the way down there, you may just as well have that little of a life to know that already!**

**Just kidding you... seriously, thanks for coming this far and I promise you the next chapter is going to be a LOT easier to read~**


	3. Chapter 3

So now wii are a partee of 4. Mikuru Aussahina, the time-graveler, Itsuki Coizume d esper, myself the useless hewman and Yugi Naruto da alien.

"I cannot accept that nickname," Yuki said while shooting an icy gaze at me. "Please change it immediately."

"Gyah! Sorry Nagato! Hey... I said it right just now!"

Itsuki gave his trademark grin that I actually haven't seen all day, now that I think about it....

"This is to be expected since we are now 23 hours in the past thanks to Lady Asahina. This supposed infestation that corrupted our environment has yet to occur. As a result things should be back to normal until that infestation arrives in Haruhi Suzumiya's closed space."

That was probably the most satisfying thing Itsuki has ever told me. I'm back! The natural, one and only! After toiling with horrible grammar for almost an eternity, I have learned that even the little things like literate text is something that is taken for granted. It makes me want to kiss it as a means of welcoming it back, however, doing this will accomplish nothing. We need to stop whatever this is from taking over Haruhi's Closed Space or else we will be right back where we started.

"The procedure which allows us to enter Suzumiya's closed space can easily attract unnecessary attention," suggested Koizumi. "Shall we search for a more secluded place?"

Our efforts eventually lead to a dark alley that is located next to the coffee shop where I nonchalantly thin my wallet every weekend. We probably look like we're up to no good going into a dark alley like this.

"Nagato and I will try to pinpoint and eradicate the threat," said Koizumi. "You and Asahina wait here and stand guard for us."

Part of me was disappointed that my role here was merely to stand suspiciously in a dark alley, but then again the enemy inside is unknown to Koizumi or Nagato so there's no telling how dangerous it is.

"Asahina," I called, attempting to start a conversation out of necessity. "I'm really sorry about what I said to you back there. I don't know what came over me, honest!"

"It's okay, Kyon," she responded. "I should have been more perceptive of my surroundings and realize what was going on. Deep down I know the real Kyon would never say or even think about things like that right Kyon?"

"Yeah..."

Asahina's smile of forgiveness was as genuine as a limited edition trading card fresh from the store. The only drawback was the lack of sunlight that reached the alley, hindering the view of her serene expression. Just then, Koizumi emerged back into our sector.

"Ah, you guys are still here I see," stated Koizumi. "You're not going to believe this, but Nagato and I are having trouble facing this creature alone. Do you think you two could possibly lend a hand?"

"What? Me and Kyon?" Asahina asked just like I was thinking. "But what can we do to help?"

"The creature inside is unlike anything we ever faced before, but I think there is something you both can do that will increase our chances of winning greatly."

With that being said, Mikuru and I allowed Koizumi to pull us in the Closed Space. Asahina looked around nervously indicating that this was her first time experiencing a place like this. She scanned the innards of buildings for signs of life, but obviously to no avail. I focus my attention to the middle of the road where Nagato is seen kneeled down before the enemy.

The creature had the looks of a stereotypical alien life form. Its big head was just enough to support its massive red compound eyes. The deformed human-shaped cretin had two bulging deformities on each side of its head. Yuki appears to be pinned down by two organic satellite turrets that are circling her at high speeds. They must definitely be responsible for the luminous force field that Nagato is trapped inside.

"I'm coming, Yuki!" shouted Koizumi as he charged the big creature while transforming to esper state. "Psycho Crusher!"

The monster stumbled backwards. The prison Yuki was in disappears and she quickly dashes to Mikuru and I.

"Retreat," said Nagato in as loud of a voice as you're going to get from her. Koizumi dodged some sluggish attacks from the creature and regroups with the rest of us. The two satellites surround the monster now as it lets out a blood-curdling battle cry.

"As you can see, the main problem we are having as of right now is approaching the main body," said Koizumi. "The two organisms that surround it are very adept at protecting the creature. So far, they have managed to keep Nagato and I at bay no matter what angle we try. That is where you and Asahina step in. If you two were to approach the creature first and distract the satellites, Nagato and I can overpower the main body."

"That sounds dangerous," said a worried Mikuru.

"The organism appears to adhere to a preset code of instructions," Nagato added. "Based on the patterns it has displayed, you will not be in immediate danger by performing this action."

"That's enough explanation for me," I said although I should be a little more concerned. "Lets go, Mikuru."

"Oh.. o-okay."

The two of us approach the creature. My steps soften the closer I get; even though Nagato's words put me at ease, there's still something unsettling about going near that thing. The satellites lashed out and imprisoned Mikuru and I in separate force fields. Koizumi manages to score a direct hit on the monster while Nagato forms massive metal spikes that violently impale the monster. The monster gives in and disintegrates after about ten spikes tore into it.

"Did we beat it?" I asked.

"That's strange," said Koizumi. "The satellites are still operational. That was the core, right?"

"The life source of this organism is contained inside one of the remaining extensions," explained Nagato.

"It would have helped to have known that slightly sooner," complained Itsuki with a smile that did not match his whining.

"I do not possess the ability to obtain a thorough reading inside of a closed space such as this."

"Ah, I understand. Well then. Until we obtain more clues, we will just have to deduce our way to the proper solution."

One of the two organic satellites creates a hologram of the big creature we just dealt with. Mikuru starts to whimper as the creature re-materializes.

"That satellite possesses the ability to revive the other parts to the being. It must be the life source. Should we aim for that, Nagato?" asked Itsuki.

"What about the other satellite then?" I asked. "I don't know why but I have the feeling the other one might be somewhat important too."

"That might be true," said Koizumi. "However if the reviver satellite can restore it, would there be much efficiency in attacking it?"

Just as our debate had begun, Nagato smashed the satellite that I was suggesting with a car. The remaining satellite and the creature reacted with a deafening screech.

Koizumi rubbed his chin. "The protective barrier of the organisms have been temporarily deactivated," Nagato confirmed. "The the estimated time before revival is approximately 150 seconds."

"So that satellite served as the shield. The big creature is the sword, and the remaining satellite is the heart. This is definitely one interesting creature."

The big creature makes a mad dash at Nagato; she barely blocks in time and gets sent hurdling into the wall of the empty cafe.

"Nagato!" Mikuru shouted. "Are you okay?"

"My regeneration capabilities are hindered in closed space sectors. I am currently down to my reserves."

This is the first time I've ever seen Nagato look remotely wounded. Even when she faced off against Ryoko Asakura, the only damage she sustained was instantly healed afterwords.

Koizumi went into his esper state and went toe-to-toe with the giant attacking the alien titan. The creature was clearly outmatched by Koizumi's speed and was soundly destroyed for the second time. All that was left was the reviver satellite.

"Two down, one to go. Nagato, do you have enough energy for one last attack?" asked Itsuki

"Yes."

"Alright then. We better make this count."

The remaining satellite was behaving cowardly as it was avoiding Koizumi's attacks. When the allied red orb connected one attack, he morphed into his half human state and latched onto it.

"I got it. Now, Nagato!"

A stop sign relieved itself from the ground and bended itself into a weapon that looked sharper than a javelin. The metal lunged at the esper holding the satellite until the rod pierced through both of them. I would just assume that in Koizumi's esper state, an attack like that would leave him unharmed. Just when I thought about that, everything faded to white.

What's going on?

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**Kudos to anyone that can figure ou what the SOS Brigade was fighting (rxcept for those I told ahead of time...) Anyways, next up is the epilogue. Stay tuned!**


	4. Chapter 4

Without any sort of warning, we wound up back inside the Literature Club. By the time I came to, Nagato had already claimed her chair and began to read.

"Woah, what happened? Are we back in our time?"

Nagato replied with a microscopic nod.

"It would appear that our opponent was generous enough to not only restore the original state of our world, but return all of us to our rightful places," said Koizumi.

"You're saying that hideous creature brought us back and not Asahina? How did it even know where to bring us? Don't you find it a little too convenient?"

"Despite the creature's looks, I have come to belireve that creature has a much higher intelligence level than the average avatars. The way it handled itself against just Nagato and I, one would assume that it has had many opponents prior to our encounter."

Is everything really back to normal? I opened the door to the club room and took a peek outside for clues. I saw Taniguchi walking down the hall looking like he is about to head home.

"I wonder what's for dinner?" he asked.

"There you are, Kyon!" shouted Haruhi from the distance. "I've been looking all over for you! I thought you wet home after wha happened to you earlier today."

The accomplice behind Haruhi was upperclassman, Tsuruya.

"Well after you stabbed me and I went to the nurse's office, I decided to..."

"Stabbed you?" Haruhi asked as if puzzled. "What the heck are you talking about? I only poked you a couple times because you didn't look so good and then you totally hurled out of nowhere!"

"That's mega gross!" said Tsuruya with an uneasy smile. "Are you feeling any better?"

"Yeah..." I replied suddenly realizing that I was wearing my North High Uniform and not that ridiculous T-Shirt. From the sound of things, history was re-written since yesterday on the count of today's events being a little too bizarre for its own good.

"Anyways, Kyon. Let us in. Stop blocking the door, will ya? I want to show Tsuruya this hilarious story that I found on the internet!"

My heart sank just then; I followed Haruhi to her desktop, and sure enough, it was that illiterate dan fiction. On impulse, I pressed the handy button combination Alt & F4, singlehandedly ridding the world of a dangerous web page.

"What do you think you're doing, Kyon! That's violation of personal property!"

Technically speaking, that 'personal property was confiscated from the Computer Club, but knowing Haruhi, she has probably completely forgotten about that little detail. Judging by the look on her face, she was thinking of some kind of penalty for me for closing out her web page. Whatever it may be, I was ready. Anything Haruhi can dish out was better than going through another painful experience like that.

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**Well, that's about it! The idea of this adventure was based off of my 'coming to terms' with the concept behind a trollfic. Apparently, they are horribly formatted stories made for the sole purpose of irritating the reader. The original trollfic that sparked the idea was a Kirby fan fiction that I added to my favorites for that reason only. The concept in itself was plausible, the grammar was atrocious, and yet I found myself very entertained because apparently, my brain works like that.**

**Anyways, thank you for seeing this 'trollfic in disguise to the end. Forgive the theme, but I just had the urge to try something new for a change. Feel free to leace any afterthoughts and make sure to get back whatever minutes you lost from reading this!**


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